Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
