shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
