whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
