Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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