Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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