She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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