Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
