So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
