I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
