so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize