I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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