Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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