I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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