Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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