sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
