Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
