So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
