i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
