When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
