I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
