i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
