Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
