just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You smell like a Billy Joel song
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
