I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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