I wish I only lived at night.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
