U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
