id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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