She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize