Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I faked an abortion last night.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
