i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
