do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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