i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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