oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
