the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
