Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
