btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Life is so much better after having sex.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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