are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
