Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
