You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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