He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Are my feet made of real feet?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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