i don't like sucking hair
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
