4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
