His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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