Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
