i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
