my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
