I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
