My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
