Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
