take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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