He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
