I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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