Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
