So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
