What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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