There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize