Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
