his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
