I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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