remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize